This, however, changed when I came to film school. I don’t know what it is about film school, but it’s usually coffee and/or cigarettes. I do not smoke nor wish to start, so I chose the lesser of the evils. I’m not even sure what it is about Film school that creates such addicting habits, it must be the New York hipster attitude that was transported over here along with the school. I mean alumni Jim Jarmusch even made a whole film called Coffee and Cigarettes. But yes I think I can honestly say I now belong into the hipster world of coffee. It started off from necessity… as I stated earlier which always leads to learning. It started with a tall black with milk and sugar, then a little bit of milk and sugar, to black two sugars. I’ve learned to distinguish the complexity of the different tastes in coffee, the acidity, body, aroma, and richness that it has. I’ve had it in coffee presses, drip, vacuum brewing,  even the “sock” method. But what it all comes down to is the fact that at one point in my life I would never catch myself having a daily brew, and now my method to unwind after a long day is to sit down with my computer and have a tall black with two sugars sitting next to me steaming. Just like now. Yes I am one of those types of hipsters now, who sit in coffee shops and write in my blog. If this wasn’t singapore and had independently owned hip coffee shops, I would be loudly protesting against this corporate icon and it’s sad excuse for coffee!!! But sadly this is all there is, and as they say don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

So what does this all come down to? As I said sometimes learning to enjoy something comes out of necessity. I think there are some specifics necessities in my life that I need to address, and I know it won’t come easily just like the first cup of coffee usually only the bitter taste comes through. It isn’t until you learn to really sit down and learn to enjoy it that you can fully appreciate something. and what does this mean for me? I’ve learned I need the Word just as much as I need a cup of coffee, to learn to enjoy and appreciate it for all it’s complexities and sometimes the bitterness that comes with the words that hit me, but learn it’s all necessary, for the completeness of my own soul and body.

I just finished my coffee… darn. Good thing this post is done now, maybe i’ll just have another cup….

So despite scripts we’ve been actively planning our trip to Japan; where i’ll be spending two months shooting my own film along with three others. I can only say that I am honestly very honored to be working with these three filmmakers, however the most exciting part is in three weeks I’ll be here:

And then from there MOST likely from the looks of our most recent plans I’ll be traveling on one of these:

To then arriving here:

Kyoto. Which is where we will most likely shoot our films. Exciting isn’t it?

well that is my brief update. I promise to update more!

Anyways, It’s been a good time here. School is starting, the days are getting longer, and I’m constantly tired. Add a bit of pressure the impending feeling of a nervous breakdown and you have the tone of Tisch Asia.

So I miss posting pictures on here. I used to not know what to write about but at least I would post a picture or something. Sadly my DSLR, now comes the conundrum, should i buy a new one? I really miss taking photos. However, I do need to save money. Sigh.

Anyways, hello Chicago, I hope you know I miss you.

I know it’s trivial and meaningless. I know its ranting, and whining. I know I feel stupid.

But I just want silence, and a listening ear. I feel…sappy? angsty? emo? whatever it is I feel I hate it.

I need to become less. God must be is greater.

The man sat there in the corner of the room. The said room wasn’t really a room it was actually a coffee shop, but the way the man was sitting and the way he seemed made it look like he had the privacy of his own room. The man so unashamed about his own actions and how society would perceive him at the moment that if anyone else were to look at this man, they would simply look away and avert their eyes. Probably due to the feeling embarrassment or maybe it was pity that they would be feeling for themselves for said man would be unbearable. Who knows? But that was exactly what the ten or so other people in the coffee shop were doing, minding their own business. The man, as stated earlier, to be honest, wasn’t really doing anything outwardly embarrassing. Is it really that embarrassing to sit in a coffee shop with just a bathrobe, sleepy and unshaven staring outside of a window seat, which he was occupying, waiting as the steam from his coffee cup slowly disappears? Of course not, but society would like to believe that out of self decency, people should never appear like that, at least out in public. With that aside, however, it was his look, it was the waiting anticipation on his face as he stared outside of the window for something to happen, yet in his mind he knows with every ounce of strength that it would not be so. Maybe, that’s what really causes people to avert their eyes. It is the epitome of human failure that reverberates from this man’s posture and eyes. So what would cause this man to be in such disgrace as he is at the moment? No one can really be sure. Well I suppose I could because frankly I might be the cause of this man’s…lack of decency, common respect for himself and fellow man or embarrassment of…whatever you might call his state of mind? Ok actually it was my fault.

I’ll be honest and say I’m not very proud of it, but who would have known? I honestly did not think that an introduction of two very well mannered, well adjusted people could result in the utter collapse of the world, the universe, and the existence of all things that were good and innocent in both lives. Yes I said both lives, cause as there is a man sitting in that busy coffee shop there is also a woman sitting in another sort of place I can’t say exactly where, but I know she is out there, unsure of what she’s done, unsure of what was right and what was wrong, and ultimately caused herself to be unsure of herself. She walks with her confident strides though, she steps into work put together like a statue, and laughs out loud to jokes and still enjoys and vies for the attention of men, but all of it is just a show to tell people that “I’m ok and I am stronger,” and while it only tries to affirm that all she has done is correct and justified in the world, when she goes home at night her state of being is quite the same as that said man in the coffee shop, in the bathrobe and unshaven face, staring out the window hoping for what is not going to come. She might outwardly have a better sense of decency than the said man in the coffee shop, but on the inside I can only honestly say she is broken.

I suppose this is the part of job that I utterly hate. It’s these moments that I have to live with and have to see with my own eyes that make me wish I could change it. However, unlike many other people I can’t simply just give it up. What makes it all the worse for me is that people often never attribute these failures to me, instead they like to acknowledge me during wedding toasts honoring me, and write stories inspired by me about lovers reunited, and lovers striving over great odds. I don’t know where I managed to get this great PR, and some might say that I should happy that I never get blamed for the mistakes. Albeit maybe there are the few out there that have scorned me, but sadly they’re considered the crazy manic-depressive types in the world, I like to call them my true honest friends. But, I suppose that is my bane that I honestly want to see people genuinely happy, and when I make mistakes it often destroys people. I want someone to blame me, it would at least let me get on with it, but again, people don’t. No one will blame me for the faults of what happened between said man in the coffee shop and said woman with the fake confident strides. And while I feel honestly terrible about it, people will only look at me and say, “oh fate, you know they could have never been, time got in the way, personalities clashed, you had nothing to do with it. You are not at fault, it was not your doing, in fact they will put their lives in your hands once again.” It’s sometimes so much worse when people don’t acknowledge your faults when you know full well it is yours and let me tell you I often fail more than I succeed. I’m fate, and I want to change my job, too many people have lost their faith because of me, ironic isn’t it?

maybe I should really just continue working on my script.

Either way that brings me to places of inspiration, I don’t really know what kind of place actually causes me to be inspired, or what makes them such conduits of inspirational juices, I just know that when I’m there things can flow out of me. I’m encouraged to work and everything that comes into mind and out of my fingertips seems like gold, again it could just be the deceiving nature of the location, but what do I care it makes me feel good for the few hours I’m here. I honestly enjoy it when I can let my mind wander and run like the imaginations we used to have when we were children, I enjoy writing down my stream of thoughts that can make little or no sense when I let them out into reality. All i know is that the wonderful irony of this situation is that I am inspired to write a post about being inspired but there probably really aren’t any real solid ideas of inspiration in here. Just the joy of having my earbuds in and letting my fingers go wild.

I’m in a caribou in the middle of a strip mall, and I have ideas about the Laws of Human Nature, my life, and trembling storms that I would like to rock my said life going on in my head. All of which I wish I had the words, and powers of creativity to let free. I don’t know how they all connect, and I don’t know what it all means all I know is that it’s there.

“one day you said to me,’I saw the sunset fourty-four times!’ and a little later you added:

‘you know-one loves the sunset, when one is so sad…’

‘were you sad then?’ I asked, ‘on the day of the forty-four sunsets?’

but the little prince made no reply”

I suppose I didn’t see sunsets, and saw sunrises and I wonder if that means I’m happy instead of sad. eh, who knows.

I know I haven’t been away for that long, I know I haven’t really changed in appearance, character, or even mannerisms, but I can’t help but feel, well different. I suppose it would be absurd if I were to be gone for almost an entire year without changing, but I suppose when you change in one culture and place and return to a completely different culture and place, it’s suddenly feels like you’ve hit a brick wall. It’s as if instead of the sun slowly setting into the horizon you’re jolted awake in your sleep and suddenly, It’s day time and you don’t remember ever falling asleep. I feel like that’s going to be me when i return home. As if I closed my eyes right before I left, and when I return I’m jolted in a whole new atmosphere after i dreamt a whole nights sleep in what felt like a second. The world has changed and I’ve changed without it.

So what does this mean? I’m not sure, I feel like I’ve grown out of something without even growing into it first. I left without being ready to leave and have returned with pieces that don’t fit anymore. I suppose this is all natural, I suppose some will say it’s cause I’ve lived my entire life in chicago/chicago suburbs all my life up until now, but I think it has something to do with me growing up or something. It’s that whole adulthood thing and trying to see where I fit in this crazy world. My dreams and aspirations have grown, I’ve accomplished things that no one I’m close with has seen, and only return with stories to be told, and not experiences shared.

I don’t know where I’m going with all this. I’m pretty sure these things happened every year. But it’s different, I swear it is. Something is moving me in a strange direction I’ve never known.

I say God come, God save, God speed.

stands out doesn’t it?

*edit..hmm when i upload this pic onto wordpress why does it wash out all the reds?

So what was my point… my point… ah yes! So now this comes back to the question of me being a Christian. I’m growing to realize in a more active way, that while on the surface everything can seem sinful and I guess in a way it is. We are sinful people. People who are non-christian sometimes take offense to this term, so I apologize. What i mean I guess is that we’re people who are apart from God. We’re going to mess up when we’re compared to something as perfect as God. Even yes me, a Christian. But even with things that are apart from God… It’s all redeemable. If we as Christians go around judging things on the surface level like we do with films… then no one is redeemable. But let’s take an example from the Big guy upstairs… If he can take me, who was so far, and often times still far, sinner, and bring me back to redemption, because now it’s not my heart but God’s heart in me… then films which were made by people who were made by God can often have something redeemable in it as well, and never in the most obvious ways. Like us people… the best films are just about people.